Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Processing = progress??

If you are a regular reader of "OOG"
Then you know when the blog gets quite...
I am usually processing.

I'm not good at open honesty -
I grew up with the idea that hurt and sorrow
in the form of tears = weakness

So I turn that hurt and sorrow into anger
and that means I'm tough and strong

It's not exactly a Biblical idea
and the end result is an attitude problem that
pushes away the people that care about me

But to make a long story short -
we are all processing and I think that means progress.

I learned the stages of grief in nursing school -
and I recognize different ones in each of us.
The stages apply to any kind of loss -
not just death.

I have thought often over the last couple of weeks
about hearing people say of death,
"they're in a better place"

I always hated that....
it never seemed comforting to me-
until now.

No one has said that to me -
because we don't have that promise.
Oh how I wish I could have that comfort
knowing that our baby is in a better place.

Zion has prayed the sweetest words,
thanking God for every day that we had with Meleah.

He has talked about how sad he feels when he finds a little
baby sock stuck to something of his from the laundry.

Isaac has her photo taped to the wall by his bed -
he is processing his own adoption in a different way
through all of this.  He has asked lots of questions that
I have answered honestly, with as much information as I have
about his own birth family.

Michael is our quiet one -
but he journals a lot.
I don't sneak into his private thoughts....
but when I see him writing in his book,
I know it's a healthy way of coping for him.

Of course, the Navy doesn't give any kind of time off for something like this.
So Mike is back to work, in fact, he had to go back in the afternoon that
Meleah left.    In some ways, I am jealous of his busy schedule.

I feel like the days are the hardest for me -
When everyone leaves for school and work
and it would normally be just me and Meleah.

There are moments when I find things -
changing our bed sheets....

in the laundry.....

going through piles of papers that have been sitting far too long

These things,
take me by surprise.

I find myself gasping for air

air that seems too thick to breathe

and I am not sure I can suck in enough oxygen to live through the next breath.

But then there are times when,
I think I can't do it
and the next breath of air is
and pure
and sweet, must be a breath of heaven.

I know that Jesus is wrapping his arms around me
taking my pain for me.

For that I am so grateful.

There have also been things that people have written to us
that have touched us - thank you all for your sweet words
of encouragement, love and support.

We have also received flowers, chocolates and margaritas....
all appreciated.

Getting back out on the road, (regularly) is my therapy goal.

I usually listen to club style music when I run.
It keeps my feet moving.

But in an effort to try and understand -
I switched my running playlist to praise and worship music
and just hit "shuffle" over the last two week.

Several songs have spoken directly to my heart.
Some have me running down the street with tears streaming -
but I keep running....

my feet pounding the road

and my heart,
pounding my chest.

One song that keeps coming back is by Mandisa.

Even when there is so much we don't understand,
we know that having Meleah for 6 months
changed our lives;
and showed us
in the form of a baby,
God loves us.

Thanks again to everyone for your outpouring of love, support and prayers.
We are so grateful for the awesome people that God has surrounded us with.

Don't stop praying -  
remember our baby girl
I wish she could understand that we didn't leave her...
that we love her
we miss her
we still want her

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